A Brave New World

Three days after my 12th birthday a giant drool covered puppy was brought to my house. No one in my family even wanted to touch him up except for me, he was covered in his own vomit from the ride over, but he still happily sat in the back of the van in his crate, tail wagging panting with the largest tongue I had ever seen. I quickly volunteered to hold him and that was the second a new stage in my life began. This bumbling ball of black lab fur was Koda, my first guide dog puppy in training. I had already fallen in love and little did I know the next year with that dog would change my life.

Never had a dog been so attached to me before, he was my best friend and the most amazing dog I ever met. He would accompany me in public for socialization and training, and despite my social anxiety I was okay with the extra attention a puppy brought when all I ever had to talk about said puppy. I stepped out of my comfort zone more with Koda than I had in the past 12 years, he was the best anxiety deterrent I had found. I was willing to talk to everyone about puppy raising. I was so in love with this dog, and the next May not long after his first birthday he went in for formal training, and never had I experienced such grief.

The same day we dropped him off we picked up another puppy, and even with him in the next room I sat on my bedroom floor sobbing feeling like I just abandoned my best friend.

After a few days I was able to bond with my new puppy, Tucker, and he was different but also wonderful in his own way. Just a few short months after Koda went in for training I received a package in the mail with a picture of Koda with his new handler and I actually cried, I felt like a proud parent whose child just graduated from college. As if it couldn’t get any better I found out that his new handler wanted to stay in touch, and hearing from her about how much Koda had changed her life I knew then that all the work, and heartache was beyond worth it, Koda was exactly where he was supposed to be and truly could not have a better family. My puppy raising journey continued for seven years, and ended in February of 2017 with my 5th puppy.

At 13 I began seeing my first therapist for anxiety, and it just happened that 2 months after I began to experience severe symptoms of my OCD (which I now know had been present throughout my childhood as well) reached an unmanageable level and I had never experienced mental illness to that point in the past. It took me at least 40 minutes to get into bed with each compulsion I had to go through and repeat until it was ‘just right’ and if I didn’t do each one it meant that I was going to get sick that night. It was at this point that I first thought of a service dog for my anxiety after doing research and finding that psychiatric service dogs actually existed. At that time in my life my mental illness was not disabling to the point where I was eligible for a service dog. I had Tucker at the time so I still had his support, even though I was just doing basic training his presence provided me all the support I needed at the time. After 3 years of cycling OCD and anxiety, that would progress to an unbearable point in the summer only to improve in the fall and almost disappear in the winter, my OCD changed to intrusive thoughts and images of harm coming to myself and although the physical compulsions had decreased, the mental strain was torture, not long after my OCD progressed my social anxiety became much worse and I was no longer able to see anyone I knew my age without having a panic attack. I ended up missing the first semester of my senior year of high school on medical leave because of my anxiety. After a lot of mentally and physically draining work I was able to make it back to school after winter break and the next year I began taking classes at the local community college as leaving home to live on a campus was not a possibility.

In October 2016 I had the opportunity to puppy sit a 7 month old yellow lab guide dog puppy named Everett, he attended my classes with me every week and would sleep the entire time. Without him I don’t know if I would have made it through my first semester. When I had Everett by my side I was able to walk across campus with panicking, I didn’t have to take extra medication everyday before classes, my arms weren’t crossed everywhere I went because of my social anxiety, and I was actually able to go out to stores alone and be completely comfortable. It was after Everett that my parents agreed to a psychiatric service dog, and we began actively searching for a service dog prospect.

Little did I know just how difficult it would be to find a service dog, program dogs often had a 12-36 month waiting period and a $25,000 price tag, and although we all knew it would make a big difference in my life $25,000 wasn’t exactly feasible. After my experience working with guide dog puppies we decided that I would owner train my own service dog puppy. After 4 months of searching for the right dog and going back and forth between 2 different breeds I found Huxley, my now almost 18 month old rough collie who is a service dog in training.

My favorite task is deep pressure therapy, as having the pressure on certain points on my legs brings down my anxiety within 2 minutes, faster than any other treatment I have found. Huxley’s favorite task is finding the door, and finding people, not something that people would immediately think of as helpful for someone with anxiety, but when panic attacks can leave me unable to function having him locate the door to get me outside can prove invaluable, and if I’m alone and panicking I can have him go get someone either at home or when we are out if I need their help. His other tasks include alerting me to anxious behaviors that I don’t even notice myself, that without the interruption could often lead to panic attacks. He is currently learning other tasks, such as retrievals and heart rate alerts which will help with some of the other medical conditions that I have. We are also training cortisol alerts so he can alert to panic attacks before they occur.

Naturally having a dog in public brings along many questions, many of which are innocent and most I am used to after years of having guide dog puppies in public, but it is completely different when people ask about the training and I tell them I are training him for myself. Because I have an invisible disability I don’t look sick, so I have received some negative comments from people. The first time I brought Huxley out in vest I had an employee at the store, first thank me for what I was doing then when I informed them I was training him for myself, he paused, looked at me for a second and then proceeded to say, “YOU need a service dog?” My anxiety set in and the only thing I could say was yes, to which he responded, “Oh, okay,” and then walked away, I was very shaken and left with Huxley. Another day at a different store an employee was talking to me about Hux’s training, asking his I did it for a living to which I told them I was training him for myself, and once again he paused, and then proceeded to say whilst winking at me, “Oh, for those Friday nights when you’ve had too much to drink?” I laughed appalled and unsure as to whether or not he was joking or actually serious, I then told him “No he’s a medical alert dog,” (I’ve never even had a drink before, not only am I underage, and my anxiety around ‘getting in trouble’ is too high for me break the rules, but the medications I am on have some pretty severe interactions with alcohol) he said “Oh, of course,” and I walked away. I was still slightly anxious from the encounter but not nearly as shaken as the first time.

Often because of the stigma around mental illness I do not tell everyone Huxley is a psychiatric service dog, but rather that he is a medical alert/response dog in training. Mental illness is a medical condition and he alerts to the chemical changes due to the medical condition. Every time I tell someone Huxley is a medical alert dog instead of psychiatric service dog I am continuing the stigma I have chosen to fight everyday. It’s sad that society can actually make me ashamed of my mental illness enough that I don’t feel comfortable calling my service dog a psychiatric service dog.

Huxley by far has been the most difficult dog I have ever worked with in more ways than I can count. He is vocal, he gets bored very easily, he has a very difficult time settling down, he hates the car, did I mention he is vocal? I had never owned a vocal dog before, and I figured that if I worked on the barking with him from day one it wouldn’t become an issue, I was sorely mistaken. The barking, whining, and grumbling, has been a very difficult behavior to deal with and we still work on it today, but it has improved immensely. With the inability to relax in one place for more than .5 seconds comes more vocalness(whining and at times yipping), obviously this is unacceptable for a service dog. We have worked extensively on this and he is finally starting to get it at 18 months old, and we are able to begin increasing the number of places he is able to go with me as he can now sit still for more than a half a second.

On the other hand, Huxley has also been the most intelligent dog I have ever worked with, I have never met a dog so eager to learn. He is able to pick up a command with a couple repetitions, and master it after a session or two. When I first brought him home he learned the basics within the week and although I didn’t want to overload him he just wanted to learn and learn, so we did fun training that to him were games but really were the foundation of the tasks he knows today. Everyone always says it is from the most difficult dogs that you learn the most and I think I am finally understanding the depth of that saying.

In the Fall of 2018 I will be attending college with Huxley by my side, I whole heartedly believe that without him I would not be able to go back to school. Huxley has changed my life for the better in more ways than I can count. I recently took a trip without my parents, to spend the Memorial Day weekend in the Adirondacks, and I stayed overnight at my aunt’s house. Although there were times it was slightly difficult I was able to enjoy myself for the majority of the time I was there and I have Huxley to thank for that independence. That trip was the first time I spent the night away from home without my parents since my junior year of high school 4 years ago, and the farthest I have ever driven without my parents.

Just a week ago Huxley and I just went out for an evening of shopping and errands and we were only gone for a little while but while I was out I realized it was one of the first times I had gone out shopping alone in months and the first time I had done it without extreme anxiety. It was a feeling of independence I hadn’t experienced since having Everett in 2016, and I was almost in tears I was so thankful for what this dog has given back to me. I am able to feel like a 20 year old girl, rather than a young child hiding behind her parents anywhere I go. I will be forever grateful for what each and every guide dog puppy taught me and how really without being a puppy raiser I probably never would have known about psychiatric service dogs and I wouldn’t have my fluffy partner in crime changing my life everyday.