College, Mental Health and A Service Dog

Well the first few weeks of classes are over and I am still standing! To say the first week was rough would be an understatement. After being out of school for over a year I apparently forgot how difficult adjustment periods are for me, and I truly thought that with Huxley and all the preparation that I did I would just be able to walk into the building and into class without an issue whatsoever. None of those expectations panned out; instead it was filled with panic attacks, full blown meltdowns in front of my academic building, and missed classes.

Leading up the first day I was nervous, but I knew that was normal, I convinced myself that once I was there that I would be fine; I had Huxley so everything would be perfect. Well newsflash everyone, having a service dog doesn’t mean that your disabling mental illnesses magically disappear! The drive to school my anxiety just kept building, but I listened to an audiobook to distract myself. I pulled onto campus and was all of a sudden hit with the reality of the sheer number of students. I pushed through the anxiety knowing the feeling wouldn’t last forever, and eventually found a spot in a packed parking lot.

Extremely anxious I got Huxley out of the car and walked over to let him go to the bathroom in the grass. In the moment I forgot all of about my plan to play with him before class, which in hindsight would've not only helped tire him out but released some of my anxious energy as well. Of course as soon as I had arrived classes were also letting out so the sidewalk transformed into a sea of people. Naturally the crowd was people my own age which for some reason has always been more difficult for me. A room full of small children and I’m fine, a group of adults, slightly less fine but manageable, a hoard of college students and all I want to do is run away. Once again I decided to push through, knowing the feeling could not last forever. I stayed in midst of the hoard and walked Huxley back and forth trying to get my anxiety down, while my brain just kept telling me “Run, RUN NOW!” I tried so hard not to give in but allowed myself to walk to a quieter area to calm down; once I got to there any person I saw sent me over the top and I could no longer resist the need to run, so that’s exactly what happened.

After hiding in the back of the building for a while I walked around the side and sat down in the shade and called my mom. My anxiety was unmanageable, and as soon as I started talking I was sobbing. Huxley was working as much as he could alternating from doing DPT and just simply standing over me blocking. I was completely inconsolable, and I was so thankful that Huxley was there so that people did not question anything. To top it off I am quite terrified of having a panic attack in public, although it has happened it is usually outside as I am so afraid of people in general and then breaking down in front of people makes it worse that I usually run away, hide outside and then breakdown. So having a full on sobbing, unable to move, hyperventilating, shaking, episode in front of my academic building was not ideal, but thankfully people just let Huxley work and didn’t bring anymore attention to the situation. After about a half hour I was able to get up and walk to my car, I started crying again after I sat down but after a while I was able to drive home.

At home I sat with my mom and cried some more out of anxiety, disappointment and confusion. I then fell asleep on my bedroom floor with Huxley for a couple hours. I was terrified at the realization that Mondays were my easy days I only had one 50min. class, how was I supposed to get through three 75min. classes on Tuesday? I didn’t want to do it, but I knew I had to try so the next day I got up at 5:30, left my house at 6:50, played with Huxley before class and then immediately just walked in and sat down. Huxley fell asleep under my desk and I was able to relax for a moment. For a little while I was feeling okay about the class, the professor seemed wonderful, the class was interesting but all I kept thinking about was how much I didn’t want to do it again. Every time I thought it might actually be okay and that it maybe wasn’t horrible, the anxiety came back I just wanted to run and never come back.

I made it through my first two classes and then had a couple hour break before my last class. It was 95 degrees but I went and sat in my car with the air blasting and tried to shove food down my throat even though I was too anxious to be hungry. I drove around for a while trying to distract myself, too hot to do anything outside with Huxley. With a half hour before class I finally took Hux out to go to the bathroom and go for a short walk in an attempt to release anxious energy, I called my mom 5 minutes later in tears because I just didn’t care, I didn’t want to do it. I sat in the grass crying trying to think of what this would mean for me if I couldn’t go back to college. What online options did I have? Was there another way to get my degree and still get to my career path? I talked with my mom for the next half hour trying to decide to either go to class or just drive home I was so upset. As I was sitting there Huxley fell asleep next to me and at that moment I decided I was going to class I said goodbye, hung up the phone and walked into class. I was exhausted but proud that I made it through the day. When I got home I felt worse, and I just didn’t want to do it again. I tried to remind myself that it would get easier and I felt more confident as I went to bed.

The next day I made it to class, it was an internal battle to walk inside but I was there, and I actually ended up enjoying the class. Yet I still found myself dreading everything and extremely anxious. After I made it home I broke down, anxious about the next day of classes, it felt so long and impossible to tackle. There were so many people and I just didn’t think I could handle it, I didn’t want to handle it.

I got up in the morning and cried multiple times but still got in the car, turned on my audiobook and drove the 45 minutes to campus. I got there and played with Huxley again but this time my anxiety was still ridiculously high, I called home sobbing and unable to breathe, Huxley was trying to work and do his job but I wasn’t paying attention to his interruptions so he jumped on me and barked trying to get me to sit down. I was hysterical, everyone kept saying it would only get easier and the first day is the hardest, but that was not true the second day felt impossible. As more and more people started casually milling around while I was panicking and sobbing about how much I was done with all of this I knew there was no way I was going back into that building and I really didn’t want to come back to campus.

When I was coherent enough to drive I made the trek home and sat with my mom crying like a toddler. I can quickly go from a competent 20 year old young adult, to a 4 year old who needs her mom in a matter of seconds, I feel completely helpless, vulnerable and exposed. My mom dragged me out of house to Panera to talk about my options as Huxley lay asleep under the table. We discussed if I really wanted to do this, and all I knew was that I wanted to go into therapeutic recreation, but I didn't want this; I didn’t want the dread, the panic, the meltdowns, the anxiety, I didn’t want to go through what I had 3 years ago all over again, the feelings were all too familiar.

We discussed dropping classes, what online options there were, and came to the conclusion that there wasn’t really a way for me to do this all online, and deep down I knew that would be the worst possible thing for me. Because TR is truly what I want I knew I couldn’t simply quit, but we didn’t know how it would all work. After lunch my mom suggested that I maybe go back just for my last class, since I knew I wasn’t going to drop out that it would be good to not miss class, and I had therapy right afterwards so I could look forward to going there. I immediately went into panic mode and had another panic attack eventually falling asleep in exhaustion ( needless to say I didn’t make it to that last class).

It felt like forever until 4:15, the time slot I have had for over 6 years now, and finally there I just told her everything, how much I hated the feeling, the anxiety, the dread, the number of people, the—well really everything. But I also told her how much I wanted this, how disappointed I was that it wasn't exactly how I wanted and it wasn’t going to be perfect and easy, but above all that I truly believe TR is my calling and I need to get there somehow so together we deiced that since the one class a day seemed to be manageable that would be a good place to start, and all of a sudden I felt like I could breathe. I was only going to be doing 2 courses on campus and one online, I was still anxious but it felt possible, I felt like maybe this would work, and I was excited again I felt like I could be excited and interested about the material in the classes. In that moment I did realize that none of my grand plans to finish this degree in two years were going to pan out and that despite Huxley changing my life, my mental illness, my disability, still existed and affected me everyday.

Despite the change in my status from full-time to part-time student I am proud of what I am doing, I couldn’t have said that a couple weeks ago but I can say, and believe it now. Living with a psychiatric disability isn’t easy, and everyone else out there dealing with mental health issues in school, work, and life each and every day should be proud, you, we, are surviving. We are quite literally fighting against our own minds all day, yet we are still here, and by waking up and facing each day we are survivors, be proud of that, no matter how small an accomplishment may seem you are doing it, and that is a wonderful thing. Over the past three years I have realized that my life is never going to follow a typical path, and in that time I have also learned to accept that as being okay. So to everyone out there trying to find their way, I believe that you will find it, it may take longer, it may not look the same as everyone else’s, it may be a bumpy road and full of switchbacks, but you will make it, and no matter what be proud that you are still here trying everyday.